EMAIL TRAIL AGONY
One would think that I’m a media mogul or at least a reality star the way I am connected to my email box. Forget about putting the cat out, bringing the dog in, brushing my teeth, soaking my partials, or other nightly rituals. The last thing I check at night is my email box and it’s the first thing I do as I limp out of bed, before I take my first arthritic pill ,is, you’ve guessed it, check my email box. One can never be sure if someone in the middle of night had sent an important message that was of a national security status. I am a master at sorting my email list; discarding the ads, brushing aside pertinent business messages to be digested later, checking family dilemmas to make sure no one was committed during the night or incarcerated, laughing at a few cartoons and giving a quick amen to the inspirational messages all in a manner of minutes. But then it happens. Bam!! A chain e-mail- message.
We humans believe in scientific facts. We know that there is no fat jolly man in a red suit. No one can be happy in an itchy overall as sweat drips profusely down their leg.; no hippity hoppity Easter bunny defecating Easter eggs on your lawn; and exactly what does a Great Pumpkin do except become a good pie? But the mere notion that we may not forward that chain email turns us into paranoid, shaking idiots. We must obey or we imagine terrible things will happen to us.
I can still remember, as a child, seeing my mother sitting at the Formica kitchen table with a cigarette dangling from her lip as the smoke circled devilishly above her head. She held a can of beer for additional support as she wrote chain letter after chain letter. Poor thing there was no email blast back in the day and she had to write each one by hand. Back then you didn’t get too many chain letters because no one wanted to have their hand transformed into a pathetic, deformed claw. I can still hear her cussing under her breath at the sender of the diabolical chain letter.
Dam it; I did what it wanted the last time. In fear I had performed the tasks of the obligatory slave it had thought me to be. Chain emails are the new hulking menace of the computer age; they seem to threaten the safety of your domain if you do not respond to their commands.
You’ve rationalized that you’re already having a shitty day so why make matters worse? You can’t chance it. I sent the chain email forward to a bunch of my unsuspecting friends and co-workers. Ha, I thought, hey every doggy for his own self I surmised.
There are several types of these chain emails. There are the religious based ones that mandate that you must recite a certain scripture, a certain number of times, and send it to the equal number of people and you will receive a blessing.
Then there are the ones that promise good fortune if you send the inspirational message to as many of your depressed, schizophrenic friends in no less than 5 minutes.
Then there are the ones that are actually a campaign for donations for some non-profit, social order, or disease and relate a long pitiful story to you about someone who is suffering unmercifully. Once you stop crying and send a check you faithfully forward it along to the next sucker.
Well, I can’t stay here too long. I need luck, money, health, romance, travel, long life, good kids, better job, and success, and I’ve only got 50 more chain emails to forward to reach the promise land.