At any fast food restaurant I am greeted over the intercom with a fake, cheery voice. I can ask about the specials even though the specials are tacked in large billboard letters all around. I am given the information delivered in happy tones. I give them the order, they’re happy, I’m happy. I drive up to the window and come face to face with an even more fake cherry smile. It’s a beautiful world. It’s a beautiful world until I ask for extra condiments. The fake smile is replaced by a stony icy glare of contempt. Our short loving relationship has ended. They seem astonished that I would dare ask for of all things, extra condiments.
I think that some of them are stockpiling ketchup to make a new fashion statement, a cheap salute to the Lady Gaga meat outfit. A squirt here and there on your shirt or blouse and it will become the latest urban, vogue look. If I have ordered 3 extra supersized fries how come they only throw 1 packet of ketchup in the bag? Is it the hint of ketchup that makes the fries that more desirable than having a nice splat? Or perhaps the squirt of ketchup that only hit the side of my hamburger bun, and did not touch the hamburger at all, should be left to be savored as a memory as it now soaks through the side of a mushy soft spot on the bun? So how much more ketchup did I get after I asked for my 3 extra supersized fries and my triple pound burger? Two more packs!!!.
Mayonnaise is another no-no in the fast food industry. I have come to understand that lettuce, tomato, and onion on a burger does not entitle you to mayonnaise. You only see the mayo peeking out of a huge 50 ft. billboard to give you the illusion that you will have a large dollop of creamy mayo on your sandwich. Dream on dreamer. Or perhaps they’re the saving the mayo packs and secretly scalping them at the local flea market. The only other reason I can think of, as I’m looked at with utter disdain, is that someone had plans for those packs and were saving them up to add to their nightly shampoo.
Then there’s mustard and relish packs. Let’s start with relish packs. There is never any relish in the pack. There is only the remembrance of relish being in there before it dried up. Hence you need at least 3-4 packs of relish and therefore you are identified as a pushy irrational, demanding customer. The mustard packs are also held tightly to the clerk’s chest. I have a question does anyone think that the one thin line of mustard can be classified as a condiment. But when I request extra packs for my jumbo dog the mustard packs are thrown in the bag with the look like I’m a mustard junkie, hoarding them away for my next sweaty fix.
Then there’s honey that can be used on salty fried chicken, or dripped on buttery biscuits, or add a distinctive flavor to a hot cup of tea. They care nothing of those lofty visions. You order an 8 piece fried chicken, you’re handed 4 packs of honey. One pack for 2 pieces of chicken and they figure that’s enough for your greedy ass. Hot biscuits drizzled with honey sound good? Not to them as they eye you suspiciously for signs of weed smoking convinced you have a major case of weed induced munchies. Well, I have my suspicions about them also. I think they’re saving it up to have one, big honey orgy party.
Then after you finally get all your dripping, sticky, stain causing condiments you reach for a napkin. There lies there final victory over you. After two stuff bags of food are dumped into your car you find they have only put in one napkin. One napkin for five people. Good thing it’s not bathroom tissue that would equal 1 square per person. Ludicrous in the bathroom. Ludicrous in the fast food world.
Well there you have it, one of my main complaints about fast food restaurants, condiments and the lack of. But stand your ground for your fries with ketchup dripping down on your fingers. Demand your equal rights to have enough salt to drive up your blood pressure and enough, pepper to erupt in your stomach. . Shout out with dignity and pride for more than one pack of sugar for your 24 oz. black coffee. Let’s start a condiment revolution